a letter of longing

and once again im writing to you. mere words. you call it. empty hollow and deprived of meaning. words and mere words. you keep calling them. and i keep writing to you. even though you never write back. i know youll never write back. you can never write back. but ill keep writing to you. to your wretched streets. to your empty cities. to your pale skies. to you grim nights. ill keep writing to you because the ache the burden of unrequited love unabashedly forces me to keep writing to you. mere words for you. for me my heartfelt longings.

it is one of those days where you once again made me feel how unwanted and unwelcome i am. in this land. in our land. do you even know how it feels to stand alone. at margin. alone. knowing the country that should have been your refuge. your shelter. your haven. that should have been yours. is nothing but an absolute prison cell. a cage. an absolute hell. dimly grave hell. where our stories are written in tragedies. tragedies that legit go unnoticed. like the sunset on a busy road.

you know what i feel. what i felt in all those years ive spent living here against your desires. exile. that living here feels like youre treading on the road to exile. mehmoud darwish says on the road to exile, the traveler is the city. but in our case. you wont even let us carry our city with us. you dont let us have your fragrance with us. tell me how we will survive. when you dont let us have even your memory with us. tell me how we will comfort our hearts then. when you dont even let us have even this vague sense of belonging. please for the sake of our forgotten love tell us how we are going to live in peace then. throw us if you want. but at least allow us to carry our cities with us. your fragrance with us. allow us to have this sense of belonging with us.

you cant love us back, can you? you can never embrace us with open arms. you can never feel for us what we feel for you. your eyes dont shine like ours on your mere remembrance. because youre blinded by spite. you were taught all the wrong lessons. and you kept humming them until they became your beliefs. i still cannot understand. keep failing to fathom how can someone be this ill fortunate that out of all things so bright so beauteous so full of affection still choose to hate. and that too the ones already marginalized. lurking at corners with shattered hearts. with eyes swollen and weary souls. petrified. how can one hate someone so much that their mere existence is threatening. threatening what? your grand edifices of hatred and prejudice? on whose aid terror, your only ally, reigns freely?

im not here to fight. not even complaining anymore. just to tell you that im tired now. im tired of you not accepting me and my people. im tired of your indifference and indignities. im tired of reminding myself that our love will one day transcend your hate. im tired of reminding myself that one day my country will hug me back instead of pushing me away. im tired of waiting for you to come and take me back from the state of despondency. im tired of constant deprivation of love and affection by you. im tired of reminding myself i havent settled my dues yet. im tired of asking my heart to hold on for a while. things will get better. im tired of being hopeful. it has eaten away everything and has drained me out. im tired of not being loved by you. im tired of being shunned by you. im just tired. my soul really hurts now. its weariness is so burdensome that im afraid it might not leave any room for anything. but this wont happen. you know why. to love you has never been an option to us. we didnt choose to love you. that you and your love became part of us. it grew with us. nurtured with our longings. now it is incumbent to keep it nourished. to keep it from wilting. from withering away like our hearts. you know why? because it is painful. so painful to even imagine. to cut loose your body part. that too so willfully. you wont understand it. because you never allowed us to become part of you. but we did. and we did so utterly because of our stubborn hearts.

i dont know if my words will have any impact on you. or maybe i do know. they always fail to move you. my failure. but i need to tell you few things. things we are accused of without given a chance to refute. even murderers are allowed to defend themselves before the very law they are guilty of violating. you can call us whatever you like. kick us out from wherever you like. kill my people if that quenches your thirst. but never even think of us selling you off. never in any world imagine can we think of trading your love for anything no matter how alluring it appears. deprive us of anything but never i repeat never strip us of from the love we have for you. never can we even in our wildest dream can ever think ill of you. thats something we havent learnt. to stop loving you. something we were not taught.even if you dont reciprocate our love our longing we will keep treading on the paths of those who were slain in broad daylight because of their vulnerable hearts.because we are so awfully filled with your love.

laugh at us.

or cry with us.

one of us is destined to break.

to surrender.

till we meet again.

an ahmadi