a letter of longing

and once again im writing to you. mere words. you call it. empty hollow and deprived of meaning. words and mere words. you keep calling them. and i keep writing to you. even though you never write back. i know youll never write back. you can never write back. but ill keep writing to you. to your wretched streets. to your empty cities. to your pale skies. to you grim nights. ill keep writing to you because the ache the burden of unrequited love unabashedly forces me to keep writing to you. mere words for you. for me my heartfelt longings.

it is one of those days where you once again made me feel how unwanted and unwelcome i am. in this land. in our land. do you even know how it feels to stand alone. at margin. alone. knowing the country that should have been your refuge. your shelter. your haven. that should have been yours. is nothing but an absolute prison cell. a cage. an absolute hell. dimly grave hell. where our stories are written in tragedies. tragedies that legit go unnoticed. like the sunset on a busy road.

you know what i feel. what i felt in all those years ive spent living here against your desires. exile. that living here feels like youre treading on the road to exile. mehmoud darwish says on the road to exile, the traveler is the city. but in our case. you wont even let us carry our city with us. you dont let us have your fragrance with us. tell me how we will survive. when you dont let us have even your memory with us. tell me how we will comfort our hearts then. when you dont even let us have even this vague sense of belonging. please for the sake of our forgotten love tell us how we are going to live in peace then. throw us if you want. but at least allow us to carry our cities with us. your fragrance with us. allow us to have this sense of belonging with us.

you cant love us back, can you? you can never embrace us with open arms. you can never feel for us what we feel for you. your eyes dont shine like ours on your mere remembrance. because youre blinded by spite. you were taught all the wrong lessons. and you kept humming them until they became your beliefs. i still cannot understand. keep failing to fathom how can someone be this ill fortunate that out of all things so bright so beauteous so full of affection still choose to hate. and that too the ones already marginalized. lurking at corners with shattered hearts. with eyes swollen and weary souls. petrified. how can one hate someone so much that their mere existence is threatening. threatening what? your grand edifices of hatred and prejudice? on whose aid terror, your only ally, reigns freely?

im not here to fight. not even complaining anymore. just to tell you that im tired now. im tired of you not accepting me and my people. im tired of your indifference and indignities. im tired of reminding myself that our love will one day transcend your hate. im tired of reminding myself that one day my country will hug me back instead of pushing me away. im tired of waiting for you to come and take me back from the state of despondency. im tired of constant deprivation of love and affection by you. im tired of reminding myself i havent settled my dues yet. im tired of asking my heart to hold on for a while. things will get better. im tired of being hopeful. it has eaten away everything and has drained me out. im tired of not being loved by you. im tired of being shunned by you. im just tired. my soul really hurts now. its weariness is so burdensome that im afraid it might not leave any room for anything. but this wont happen. you know why. to love you has never been an option to us. we didnt choose to love you. that you and your love became part of us. it grew with us. nurtured with our longings. now it is incumbent to keep it nourished. to keep it from wilting. from withering away like our hearts. you know why? because it is painful. so painful to even imagine. to cut loose your body part. that too so willfully. you wont understand it. because you never allowed us to become part of you. but we did. and we did so utterly because of our stubborn hearts.

i dont know if my words will have any impact on you. or maybe i do know. they always fail to move you. my failure. but i need to tell you few things. things we are accused of without given a chance to refute. even murderers are allowed to defend themselves before the very law they are guilty of violating. you can call us whatever you like. kick us out from wherever you like. kill my people if that quenches your thirst. but never even think of us selling you off. never in any world imagine can we think of trading your love for anything no matter how alluring it appears. deprive us of anything but never i repeat never strip us of from the love we have for you. never can we even in our wildest dream can ever think ill of you. thats something we havent learnt. to stop loving you. something we were not taught.even if you dont reciprocate our love our longing we will keep treading on the paths of those who were slain in broad daylight because of their vulnerable hearts.because we are so awfully filled with your love.

laugh at us.

or cry with us.

one of us is destined to break.

to surrender.

till we meet again.

an ahmadi

غزل

اٹھا تھا کاروان دل لیے رخط سفر لیکن
وہ ایسے حادثے گزرے رہا نہ پھر سفر ممکن

پھرے در در لیے تھامے تمنا ہائے دل اپنی
وہیں ٹوٹا یقیں اپنا جہاں پہ آس تھی اتنی

چلے جائیں جو محفل میں تماشہ دیکھنے اپنا
تو پھر مشکل سنمبھلتا ہے یہ بیچارہ دل اپنا

گو رستے سامنے پر نظر میں اک نہیں اپنے
تو پھر کس کے سہارے چل دیے لے کر سبھی سپنے

یقیں کی آخری منزل پہ گویا انتہا ہوگی
اب اپنی زندگی جس موڑ پہ بھی الوداع ہوگی

Utha tha karwan e dil liye rakht e safar lekin
Wo aisy had’say guzry raha na phir safar mumkin

Phiry dar dar liye hatho’n main tamana hai e dil apni
Woheen tota yaqeen apna jahan pe aas thi itni

Chaly jain jo mehfil main tamsha dekhny apna
Tu phir mushkil sambhlta hy ratoon ko ye dil apna

Go rasty samny hain par nazar main ik nahi apny
Tu phir kis ky sahary chal diye lay kar sabhi sapny

Yaqeen ki akhri manzil pe goya inteha hogi
Ab apni zindagi jis mour par bhi alvida hogi

poem

with wreckage around

and turmoil abound

in forgotten corners

with distant mourners

treading in silence

with utmost abidance

humming the tales

of afflicted ails

of empty spaces

and dreary traces

of hopes, lingering

like hearts, withering

of wearied sighs

and incessant cries

of looming death

and drowsy breath

A life beyond our stiller hearts

While you walk down the vacant roads
With hearts empty and heavy loads


Look above the stale sky
Where birds croon and yet fly


Where sun dies in utmost despair
For us to wander in ceaseless stare


A life beyond our stiller hearts
Deemed distant and fallen in parts


A life in dreads and utter pain
A life adorn in blood’s stain


Lingering along with ragged cloak
Gasping alone, weary and broke

Tragic tales chained in time
Alluding grimly the hideous crime

#poem #poetry

But the clock ticks

but the clock ticks

on frozen time

nothing moves

nothing awake

numbness

perpetuating

dwelling

deeper

and deeper

but the clock ticks..

at fixed pace

and things remain

unchanged

nothing of worth

grows around

but the clock ticks..

drifting away

round and round

slowly at margins

never was silence

this deafening

spring

this bleak

life

this asleep

yet the clock ticks

with jarring swiftness..

#poem #poetrt

stillness

there is stillness

unsettling

too distant..

piercing

through every wound

and the sky

dead silent above

alluding

the wreckage

befallen

on grim hearts

and more stillness

settling across…

and more stillness

breeding along..#poetry #poem

ہم

اندھیرے راستوں پر بٹھکتے پھر رہے ہیں ہم

نہ منزل سامنے نہ ہمسفر، تنہا کھڑے ہیں ہم

کہاں تک خاک چھانیں ہم کہیں تو اب بسیرا ہو

فقط دوری بڑھی ہے اور بھی جتنا چلے ہیں ہم

کبھی گلشن میں ہولے سے دبے پاوں چلے جائیں

اداسی اوڑھ لیتے ہیں بہت ہی دل جلے ہیں ہم

نہیں روکا کسی کو بھی جو آکے جانا چاہتا ہو

نہیں ملتا کوئی بھی جسے اپنا کہیں ہیں ہم

کسی افسردہ غنچے کی طرح غمگین ہے یہ دل

بہت ٹوٹا کیے ہے یہ بہت جوڑا کیے ہیں ہم

For non-Urdu readers.

Andheray rasto’n par bhatak’ty phir rahay hain hum// na manzil samny, na humsafar, tan’ha khar’y hain hum

Kahan tak khak chanai’n hum, kahee’n tu ab basair’a ho// faqat dour’i bar’hi hay aur bhi jitna chalay hain hum

Kabhi gulshan main hola’y say dabay pao’n chaly jai’n// udaasi aur’h lety hain buhat hi dil jalay hain hum

Nahi’n roka kisi ko bhi jo aky jana chah’ta ho// nahi milta koi bhi jesy apna kahai’n hain hum

Kisi afsurdah gunchy ki tar’han gamgeen hain ye dil// buhat toota kiye hai ye buhat jora kiye hain hum